Neglecting Myself

Neglect is definitely not a word I would have used a few months ago to describe how I treat myself. And yet, it has recently come to my attention that I leave myself out in the cold often - literally.

For the longest time this winter (and the last few years, really), I told myself I could get by without a coat. It’s not that cold. I will be fine. But by the end of March, when I kept dressing like it would be spring any day and the weather kept beating harder and colder, I found myself miserable and suffering in the cold for absolutely no reason.

Oh sure, I told myself lots of reasons I was doing this. Things like, “I don’t have a coat that fits well so might as well not bother”, or, “it’s not really that cold out, I will just be out for a few minutes while I pick this up or run in the store”; and most alarmingly, “I’m not worth spending the money on to buy a proper coat”. 

Finally, I can see that I am using these very deep negative beliefs I carry about myself as an excuse to neglect my own needs. I let myself freeze over insecurities about myself, beliefs that I should not have any needs, and that I am lucky to have what I do so I am not allowed to complain. 

From this realization, I have started to see how this pattern is trickling down in other places in my life. I don’t eat when I am hungry because “I’m too inconvenient”. I ignore how tired I am because “_______ need (perceived or real) is more important than my own”. I ignore the fact that I am human and instead live my life in a high expectation, robotic-like existence. But I am not a robot, and this cannot continue. I am living burned out and 9 times out of 10 it’s from my own hand, with needs going unmet that are small enough to change.

So what’s going to change? I need to take care of myself again like it’s my full time job. Because, frankly, it is. Only I can take care of myself, and I need to do it in order to take care of my people. My oxygen mask before theirs. It’s not selfish, it's self preserving. And I can take better care of my people when I am cared for. 

I guess it’s time to buy myself a coat.