Self Editing

Confession: I am a recovering people pleaser + perfectionist. There are parts of me that I have become more comfortable with as I age, but others that seem to shift over time, to not really decrease but rather transform into new forms of perfectionism. Social media hasn’t helped that much either. While I would not say I spend much time posting on social media, it’s almost more about how little I do share about my life. And not just online, but also IRL.

This January I attended a women’s retreat focused on building self esteem + finding passion for life again. I had never been to an event like this before, and I wasn’t really sure if I would get anything out of it the way I wanted to. But I went, at the request of my dear friend, and it was exactly what I needed to end a funk I couldn’t see on my own. It held up a mirror to many behaviors I hadn’t been able to see. The biggest one: I was living a life devoid of authenticity. It was like I was a shell, an NPC, with no real involvement or commitment to my family, my friends, or my community; I certainly did not take care of my own needs.

Since coming back from that retreat and having time to implement some serious changes to my approach to life, I have found self connection to my body, to my hopes + dreams, and a deeper connection to my tribe. I have been able to trust myself to communicate more and really stand up for myself. These changes have given me perspective to the way I was living (or rather, not living) before, and how the only person who was holding me back from it was myself.

And here’s the thing: I thought before that I was just behind, maybe broken. But as I have talked more openly with people about this, I am learning that I am not alone in feeling this way.

Humans have this tendency to edit our real selves out of our lives. We present this perfect ideal self we think everyone is wanting us to be or already thinks we are. But we don’t see that the very things that make us relatable, human, imperfect, are the very things that attract others to us. We are not meant to be perfect robotic beings. We are meant to be soft, vulnerable, silly, snorty, say-the-wrong-word, ridiculous. And that is amazing. That is exactly what makes us love each other. It’s exactly what makes us, well, us. Why do I keep trying to edit out the parts of me that literally make me, me? Those pieces that keep me connected to the people I love. That are the very things that my husband saw and loved me MORE for having?

Here’s my commitment to stop editing myself out of my own life + my own projects, goals, and dreams.

Unedited, unfiltered, no makeup. Just me.